I was listening to some toe tappers (the irony is that I struggle to move my toes) from the 1980s the other day and came across the video for Hello by Lionel Richie (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PDZcqBgCS74). I’ve heard this song many times before but didn’t realise that the song is about an able bodied person falling in love with a blind person (let’s ignore the fact a male teacher is coming on to a student. It was the 80s so what do you expect?). It got me thinking about how I never get an able bodied girl falling for me. Normally, I get annoyed about how most women can’t see past my disability but I’ve realised it’s my fault I’m single.
Not just because I have a filthy sense of humour and come across as a bit of a perv but as a few people have noted, my insecurities are my biggest problem when it comes to my love life. There is not a single part of my body that I like and I’m always worried about my appearance, even when I go down the gym. A fear of judgement, started at school, which extends to my voice and even things I say. I am scared of speaking in case I say something foolish or not funny. That can be attributed to the whole ‘lad’ culture at school where any mistake would be jumped on.
As Gok Wan says, “it’s all about the confidence” and I need to address that issue if I’m going to lead my life to the full. I don’t want to be held back by a lack of self-belief and constantly go red everytime I say ‘Hello’ to a girl. I need to stop worrying about what others think and start being myself. If I’m being honest, the real ‘Wheelchair Boy’ is rarely seen, especially when I’m out. This sounds absurd but sometimes it’s like I am in a film playing a character, doing and saying what other people want to see/hear. That’s got to change because I think people would like the actual me.
A lot of my complaints in the past have been about people being patronising and not getting to know me. While many are ignorant that I am a human being after all, one of the reasons I’m treated differently is probably because I make out I am ‘special’. The random clapping and singing probably doesn’t help me seem normal but I find it funny. I’m no psychologist but I reckon I play up because I oddly want to scare people off. It’s not that I have a cold heart, it’s just I’m very closed off feelings wise and I’m reluctant to let anyone in.
Bye for now!